On Being Peaceful and Other Apparently Impossible Goals . . .

So, I'm at a stage in my back attack where I have the ability to think (a little more clearly now that my pain has subsided a bit) about what a nasty, mean-spirited person pain has turned me into. My hope is that recognizing this attitude is the first step toward recovery, that it means I have a little distance. I'll let you in on the things that really bothered me for awhile during this time of trial:
1) People going for walks in this beautiful fall weather. How dare they???!!!
2) People lifting things with ease, especially that one guy we'll call my boyfriend who effortlessly hoisted my new microwave around Target the other day, sending me into a tailspin of murderous envy.
3) Any peaceful people anywhere, anytime who appeared cheerful and not 75% distracted by pain. I guess misery really does love company.
4) For awhile, people who could stand up straight.
5) My Aunt Grace, who cries every time we talk on the phone and makes me wish I'd said "everything's great."
6) My commonsensical inability to just medicate, which results in a refusal to drink myself into oblivion or narc myself to nirvana. This one was compounded every time someone would say, "Well at least I hope you're getting some good drugs."
7) The pathetic feeling of accomplishment I got when I actually cleaned the house by myself.
8) Stupid drivers (let's face it, there is such a thing) because I was so distracted by pain that whenever anyone did anything to compromise our safety, I wanted to hunt them down and kill them. Of course this problem was compounded by the fact that I knew I could no more hunt and kill than I could do, well, anything else. Further complicating this little scenario was the knowledge that with so much pain-distraction, I was probably the worst driver out there, no small accomplishment in central New York.

Basically, the whole think reminded me of what a nasty miserable unhappy person I used to be. What a good life lesson; no, really, I mean that. Don't worry, I'm not ready to be like that newly canonized saint I heard about on NPR, who said something like I consider a day without suffering a day lost. I'm just ready to get on with it, whatever it is. After we looked at the MRI report the other day, I knew that it was time to start thinking beyond lasers.

And things are stating to bother me less. For example, I only stuck three pins in my John McCain voodoo doll last night. I was also really worried about grading papers because I thought my current state would result in caustic nasty comments like "My life sure would be easier had someone, somewhere had taught you how to write a comprehensible sentence." But so far, I'm doin' okay.

I hope your day is a pain free and peaceful one, whether you're in Idaho buried under that freak eight inches of snow, in CNY lovin' all this splendor, or anywhere else you might be.