Guest Blogger Catherine Billman

Catherine (aka Pinhead) is too lazy to set up her own blog, but she is going to do a guest spot on mine, probably a tribute to me. Ha, ha! She told me that I have approval of all comments; we'll see.

Ladies and gentlemen, Catherine Billman

I'm thinking that maybe in some time we can turn this blogarama into a talk show or variety show.
here's something that has been on my mind lately.
HOW TO CHOOSE YOUR FRIENDS
first of all when choosing friend you must first reach into the depths of your own life and find out what qualities you do and don't have. You do want your friends to complement your great qualities and ignore or at least not heckle you about your short falls, so NO assholes (sorry mike).
second you may want to choose people who are either less attractive or not as smart as you especially if you plan to ever go out in public with them. If they are smarter than you offer them a haircut because at least that way you can guarantee that they are less attractive and remember kids always cut in a bald spot.
If you have a very good looking stupid friend go shopping and tell them that they look GREAT in a moomoo. remember they're stupid.
third, now that you have chosen stupid or ugly friends, you might want to consider height I like to choose people who are taller and wider then I am. This way you can always ensure that you will look thin and small. This step is not nearly as important as the second step.
fourth In general you may find that your friends have great qualities such as kindness and loyalty. Don't let them know that you know this about them. Tell them that they are mean and flaky.
fifth always choose people who you can beat up either mentally or physically, or make sure you can run faster than they can. Here I would suggest "accidentally" breaking their legs when they are not looking. You can do this by pushing them down the stairs. This is what I did to my mother it seems to have worked. But be careful everyone she's pretty smart and very good looking, needless to say I didn't choose her she chose me.
sixth, Always choose people who think that you're listening although you never really are. I tend to use terms like uh huh, and really when not listening and I know that nobody really reads this blog so no one will every know that I'm never listening. My mother uses other tactics so see if you can catch on to these.
seventh, this one is really important, your friends need to have money. A job is the best way of obtaining money and you can always let them know this, it's a great way to ridicule hobo's. Trust fund friends are great but they may overstay their welcome.
So everyone, now that you realize that your friends are better looking, more intelligent, make more money, have better qualities, are better listeners and can beat you up; pack all of your belongings and relocate to an area called Nebraska. Nebraska is where everyone who has followed Catherine's seven steps to great friends has relocated to, so I'm sure you'll meet some lovely people there. Just don't talk to them.
I also wanted to make a note about friends who like to stay in, these are the best kind of friends, because they only make you look like an ugly asshole in the privacy of your own home. Choose wisely, but always make sure you are the one who is choosing.
Thank you for purchasing "Seven Steps to Great Friend". That'll be $17.95.

I'm Patricia Murphy, and I approved but did not punctuate this post.