Tuesday, August 5, 2008

more nature

Those of you who know me know that I have a long history of being a tree hugging nature lover. When I lived in Idaho I was a camper, angler, and all around outdoorsy girl. I camped in tents and in a camper and liked tent camping better. Then I moved to New York and got to know the west side of the Adirondacks better. My favorite lake is Nine-cornered lake because it's close enough to where I live and it's just beautiful. A short hike from the road and you can swim and just sit and look at the water. I have a picture of it in my office, so when I'm working in the dead (should I say horribly depressing death grip?) of winter I can look at it and remember that there will be summer in NY again.

That said, I now want to state that while nature is great, it needs to stay the f--- away from my house. You might know from my earlier post that I recently encountered a bat in my window fan, dead (its mouth open in a silent shriek) but in my house nonetheless. Now it's bees. Bees that are going into a gap between a window and the outside wall of my house. Yes, going in. And they're going into my bedroom. So last night it was a trip to Lowes to get outdoor spray (I mean real poison here) that shoots 20 ft. into the air. Except it didn't. But by standing on the edge of my side porch and reaching as far as I could, I got the spray to hit my target and drenched the shit out of my beloved old house, which now has two windows covered with a drippy substance that probably looks like you-know-what (I know you know).

This morning as soon as I'm done with this post, I'm going out again. I'll spray and curse and curse and spray (thank god the neighbors are on vacation) until I'm satisfied that I have wrought death and destruction upon some poor little creatures who just want to spend some time at my house. Do I feel bad? Yes and no. I wish they hadn't exhibited such poor judgment, but in doing so they left me little choice but to KILL, KILL, KILL them. I also worry about the spray coming back on me and waking up with a mutated face. Well, if so maybe I can get work as an Elizabeth Taylor look-alike.

Here are, in no order, my least favorite members of the "natural" world:

bees, used to be allergic to them, now just ridiculously frightened of them
deer flies, biting mouth parts (I think they're called black flies here in New York)
mosquitoes, now that they bite me because I have iron-rich blood
moose: they're not afraid of anybody
bears: they're stupid but more afraid than moose
badgers: scary as hell
bats: at least when they're in my window fan
skunks, well you know why

I know it seems like I don't like nature at all, but think about all the animals I do like: birds, fish, deer, elk, bunnies, snakes . . .
What aspects of nature do you like and/or not like? Don't worry, I won't tell the Sierra Club if you say you don't like spotted owls. C'mon, let's see some posting here, and thanks Jess, You're a trooper.

Gotta go; I got me some killing to do.
Rambo

3 comments:

Jessica said...

I think it is now mandatory that i post my 3 least favorite members of the animal kingdom.

#1 Bees: which include, wasps, hornets, yellow-jackets and even the very cute bumble and honey bees. I get panic attacks thinking about them at times, and when one is within inches of me I bolt. There is no hero rescue for me, and you better believe that if bees were nesting in my house I would be paying for a hotel.

#2 Bats: Now here is a story you will enjoy. Two summers ago, I stayed in my brothers club house with him which is a homemade awesome 13 yr old kid thing. I was brave, knowing the dangers of bugs and possible rodents that might take the chance of entering. But since we were a story up, I felt like they wouldn't dare. What did dare was a nice furry bat, that flew right up through the shingling, slammed into the back wall and landed on me and my perfectly made bed. Now at this point I am screaming with the blanket over my head as it twitches, and I scream at my brother to open the door, and get outta my way, as I tightened the blankets around me, in the process flinging the bat off of me. I ran as fast as I could out of there and back into my parents warm and cozy house. I will NEVER sleep in that club house again.

#3 Skunks: I had a close encounter last summer with one that comes to mind. We were staying at a state park in a cabin, and the neighbors decided it was a great idea to chase the skunks towards our campsite with flashlights. It wouldn't have been so bad except there were two of them, one blocking our way into the safety of the cabin. So here we are an entire family of eight plus two cousins, stuck around a camp fire with a skunk that is circling us. Not to mention we were making tasty hobo-pies, and there was cherry and apple pie filling all over the air. Mind you these skunks are brave as heck, and are at this point circling us so close that they brush my little brothers legs. They were under our bag chairs, and between us and the fire. The entire time I prayed it would not spray us because this was the first year we hadn't brought tomato juice. Thankfully no spraying, but my father got awful close again later that night as it licked the hobo-pie cooker that was hanging on the ledge of the fire between my father and the flames.

If I had to pick favorites, that weren't pets, I would pick Dolphins, which I have never ever actually seen in person though I really want to. Panda bears which are adorable only in captivity, and eating bamboo. And those cute little pink Chinese pigs. I have always wanted one to drag around on a leash. I think that it would be neat to have a seeing-eye pig!

Nick Gasparovich said...

If you hate badgers, you'll love this.

I do not like:
1) Bats
2) Dingos
3) Wombats
4) Spiders
5) Baby Birds

Jessica said...

I like how different me and Nick are in our posting. I have detailed stories that go on for pages, and he has a short list that makes you wonder why he doesn't like baby birds!!